Day 3 I am down another pound. A total of 4 pounds in 3 days. Granted I am sure it's water weight because that's what we women do; say it's water weight. Today, I thought I talk about something a little bit more personal and raw. *Disclaimer: At times I will talk about my past marriage/divorce/struggles. Nothing I say here is nothing that my ex husband doesn't know or hasn't heard. Rather he agrees with it or not but he knows I am open and real. I am not out to hurt or make him look bad either.*** I was married for 15 years. We didn't celebrate our 15th year though as we were in the middle of the divorce at that time. We were together for 20 years. Something I don't take lightly. Something I am still struggling with. I don't know why I let numbers or years define my life. Maybe it's because it's how we American celebrate milestones, goals, or accomplishments?? The last 5 years of my marriage was spent in the dark. Alone. To be honest it was spent me in survival mode. My ex and I TOGETHER made a decision for him to go back in the Wind Industry after we made some life choices to leave WA and move to FL. We had made plans for it to be temporary. However, we know that life never goes as plan. He would be gone for months and weeks at a time. After a year of that we deiced to do #roadlife which you can go back and read on. What most don't know our marriage was already at it's dead end. We barely talked to each other. We barely could be in the same room together. We lived very separate lives. My ex husband stop looking at me like a wife years ago. He stop taking me out on dates. He stop making me laugh. I stop trying. I could leave for days and nights at a time and he didn't call, text or even care if I was home. He would often say "It's better without you here anyways." He didn't support my 1st Full Marathon. He didn't come to watch. He didn't call to see how I did. He didn't notice how proud and sore I was when we got back home 4 days later. Granted he stayed back to work a job at a Pizza joint since he was laid off work (which I am forever grateful that he put his pride aside for our family) and we were going to be gone for 4 days at Disney but he could had taken the day off to watch me run. I spent days crying about this. Never once did he notice that either. There is more to this story but this is just one and the 1st moment I come to realize; this isn't a marriage. However I kept pressing on...for the kids I told myself. In reality it was because I was ashamed and again those numbers were important. We were almost at 11 years of marriage I would keep thinking. Keep pushing I would say. Then I finally a year ago today signed the papers to start the process. One year ago today I sat across my lawyer and coming up with an Emergency Exit Plan because it not only took me 3 years to finally talk myself into this I was scared for my children safety and mine. I knew my ex would react with Rage, Emotional Abuse and Mental Abuse thoughts. And he did... That moment in time; the world stopped, my heart broke and I come to realize that my ex honestly had no clue how bad of a place our marriage was in and just how broken I was... Since that day a year ago, I let myself live in a Fog with guilt, shame, fear, anger, and sadness. Which lead me to self destruct myself. Lead me to working out daily to burning myself out to a very deep depression... Lead me to barely being able to parent my girls. To hating myself. Which then caused me to pretty much hate everyone around me and lose those who did care about me.. Which has lead me back to this journey. Not only is this a journey of getting healthy again but healing, finding strength forgiveness and courage. "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." ~ Isaiah 41:10
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Dear Day 2, You weren't so bad. Only hit snooze 3 times. Still didn't hit the gym. Safe to say morning workouts are NOT my thing! But heyyyy....The Scale. You are my friend today! Down 3 pounds this morning. Hello 204 and good bye 207!! Woot Woot! B-Oats with Plums S-Hot Peach Mango Tea (Herbalife.) and Strawberry Greek Yogurt L-Rice, Super Green and Grilled Teriyaki Chicken (Panda) S-Cucumbers and Tomatoes D-2 Blacked Shrimp Tacos and Steamed Veggies S-Box of Hot Tamales, Movie Popcorn (I say less then 2 cups), 4 sips of Root Beer and some other kind of snack (salty and sugary lol) Went to see the Lion King, so no workout today. Bummer ;) Worth the time with my 3 girls and Joe. I will keep cherishing the moments I get to spend with my 2 teenagers who don't mind being with us most of the time. We, no I fought with Ticket Guy, Snack Guy and some lady all before the movie started. Kids and I played musical chair before the movie started. Everyone bugged me before and after the movie started. All in all it was a fun time and cute movie. Just make sure your app works before you go so you know where your paid seats are, give everyone their snacks before the movie starts, and pray your kids know how to shut up while the movie is playing. I planned to cook a healthy dinner but it was late after the movies so we hit a local restaurant. I really wanted something fried (no clue who the hell I am here!) but I went with Tacos and Veggies instead. Opt out the Chips and Salsa (And Beer). Had a glass of wine tho. I am not doing any diets. I have done them all. They all worked. E.V.E.R.Y. SINGLE one of them have worked but frankly I just want to do the right thing. Eat smarter, Drink wiser and enjoy life. And try to not be fat in the process of that or bitchy! Day 2 you had me the 3 pounds. Day 3 don't fail me.... xoxo- Dear Day 1, (7/23) 4:15 am snooze 4:30 am snooze 4:45 am snooze This goes on for every 15 mins till 5:45 am. Guess I am not going to the gym. Walk to bathroom. Pee. Brush Teeth. Do hair and makeup. Stepped on the scale... I am dreading you. I know the scale is about to tell me the truth and remind me that I ate my feelings yesterday at Breakfast. (Sunday's breakfast if we are being honest here; 2 Blueberry Pancakes, Biscuit and Gravy, 2 eggs, 2 bacon, 1 Sausage Patty, 1 country ham and hash-brown. What can I say?! I am a girl who likes to eat ;) Sadly, I was still hungry and took a bit of my youngest chicken tender and dipped it in ranch. Thankfully it was nasty and stopped me from going further.) Back to the scale... 207 pounds. It's ok. You've been heavier. You can do this and it doesn't define you. Work. Work. Work. Yes I like to blame me going back to work full time has helped me pack on the pounds. I work with ALL men. No females. (Pray for me) They like to eat. They don't care what they eat. I like to eat. Soo... Plus Men VS Women = fun times (eye rolling) more like stress. Yes, I am a stress eater. Celebration eater. Cry your eyes out eater. Today, I ate well. Didn't order out and said no to temptation...till I got home. B(Breakfast) Fresh Peach with 1/4c OatsS(Snack) Strawberry Greek Yogurt L(Lunch) Fresh Farm Tomatoes, Cucumber and small serving of Sunday's night dinner left over S:Herbalife Shake and Tea (I needed something sweet!) S:Turkey and Cheese lunch-able (working second job) D(Dinner) I had planned to make a veggie dish but got home late and this is were my temptation gave in. I had 2 pieces of pizza that was ordered for kids, their friends and Joe. BUT I stopped at 2 when I could had eaten the whole thing. Had a very small glass of wine with 10 Good and Plenty vs A whole bottle of wine and WHOLE box of Good and Plenty! Home. Don't you dare lay down and sleep or cry. Tonight, I will go outside and enjoy my youngest. And I sure did! We played basketball and 2 squared. We laughed. We competed against each other. We talked. It was a perfect way to end my day. (inside I really wanted to lay down and sleep as I am exhausted mentally. Joe was laid off his job about 5 weeks ago and still hasn't found a new job. I am struggling with living OK still. I am struggling with fitting in. I miss having friends and since I don't go to Cross-fit anymore I have lost the only friends I knew I had. I know I may have pushed them away back when I was dealing with some pretty dark stuff. I take blame for that. I also struggle with the fact that I lost them because I didn't mean to push anyone away. (hurt people hurt people often play over and over in my head. But can't really use that as an excuse) Or maybe I didn't and they weren't really my friends. I struggle daily with this. I miss having just one friend that I can run to, laugh with and sit down with a cup of coffee. Mostly I miss laughing. I am grateful for Joe and his friendship but lets be honest; hes a man. He can only listen for so long and doesn't really "get": it. Like he wants to listen to me bitch about PMS, my girls PMSing, or about other men (the ones I work with). I struggle with parenting. I struggle with guilt. I struggle if I am doing good enough ob or enough at home, work and as a girlfriend. Lastly, I struggle with coping with my everyday challenges - seeing and hearing. However today really wasn't bad. I reached out to have dinner with a friend I haven't seen in a while, I spent time playing and listening to my daughters and I went to bed with a less heavy heart. Plus I didn't drink the whole bottle of wine. So I guess today I won. Didn't let my emotions get the best of me) Love, Beautiful Mess xo It's been a while since I've updated. So much has happened. I feel like I am always updating when tragic happens or when life isn't going the way I have had it planned. So we will skip all over the last year.! The divorce is done. I am glad to report that Dave and I are still REALLY GOOD friends and both are in REALLY good places in our lives. In fact, I've met someone and fallen in love. Totally unexpected. Unplanned. I often question how and why but it's not up to me. God's timing and God's plans. Joe (that's his name) has been welcomed in our family with open arms and created a softer heart. Dave welcomes him too. We all do a pretty bang up job Co-parenting. Along with Joe, I have started a new Full Time Office Job with a company called Simplot. (More about these life changing events down the down the road)! Today, I am excited to share another YES another Journey I am embracing ONCE again! My Beautiful Mess Journey. Most of you know I have lost over 115 pounds. But what most of you don't know or have seen; I have gained 40 pounds back. Showing this recent above picture of me is probably harder then showing you my before picture when I was almost 300 pounds. I've made a goal to lose those 40 pounds before I turn 39 in September. On top of that I am making it a HUGE goal to finally once and for all hit my goal weight by the end of December. With this project I will be blogging the real honest raw truths of m,y struggles and share my joy on the good days too! I will be creating videos, going live on Facebook and Instagram, sharing pictures, and much more. It's time for me to stop hiding and worrying about what other thinks. Time for me to own up to my mistakes, failures and experiences that lead me back to this road. My goal is to not only help myself heal but to reach out and hopefully touch someone else who's struggling or in the same boat as myself. It won't always be pretty.... Today, July 22, 2019 I start my journey. Sit back. Grab some water, tissues, a snack or nothing; join me. I would love for you to share, comment or post what your struggles are today so that I can lift you up, pray for you and maybe share a tip or two based on my experience. I know I am not alone. Either are you xoxo |
AuthorHI! I am Lauren! A women full of beautiful mess. Join me as I share my mess and journey. Archives
July 2019
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