Lately, there is so much I want to write and say. This topic keep showing up in my conversations, in my journal, music I listen to and really just anything I hear lately. Since December, I have been feeling off. I couldn't put my finger on it. I didn't know what was wrong. All I knew was something was off. Why should it be. Husband and I are both working, we live in one of the nicest neighborhood, our kids attend an amazing school, we have an awesome church, we are with family, have amazing friends, living in sunshine and warm weather, and moving forward. It wasn't like I was searching for more or wanting more. We had a nice time with husband home since it was the first time he was home since September. We all were a little under the weather but we had fun non-less. Then the day came for him to leave. The whole week before is when I was feeling off. Something was wrong. Something bad was going to happen. I cried a lot (more then I normally cry LOL). He kept reassuring me, we got this. We have been down this road before and 6-9 weeks will pass quickly. He left, I went back to being that single parent, and life went on. Only, that feeling was still there. As days went by, I started to get back on track with my fitness and eating. Hoping it would push aside whatever it was I was feeling. Nights, are the hardest so that's when I work out to pass those lonely hours. I was feeling better about myself again, however that feeling still lurking. The kids...we take 2 steps forward and 5 steps back. We shuffle between school, dance, soccer, and everyday life. However, they stop listening to me (more then normal). Or did I stop listening to them? Work became stressful for me. Husband is struggling being away from us. Our communication is off. Our family is off. Days turned into months. Those months turned into that darn feeling lurking around and getting worst. So what do I do? I book a weekend away. To Walla Walla, WA. 2500+miles away. Alone. Why? So many people kept asking. Why, because I needed to escape. I needed to see my girlfriends, I needed to be far away from my life as possible. I needed to think. I needed answers. I got my answers. I still feel like the biggest failure. I feel like I quit. I feel regret. I feel lost. I feel broken. See, we moved from WA to FL in hopes to open up our own Nutrition Club and be with family. My dreams didn't turn out as planned. Was it because I quit or did I fail? What's the difference? Nobody has told me I am either of these things, failure or quitter. In fact, I always hear the opposite. Deep down, I know we made the wrong choice but also made a choice based on a calling. You can't ignore a calling from God! It may open doors or close doors. For me, it open doors but now I feel it times to close those doors and open up new ones. A friend once said to me, "Maybe you came to FL did what you needed to there and now it's time for you to come back and do greater things here." Moving here as taught me that I have grown my own wings and don't need my parents anymore. Moving here as changed my relationship with Christ. Moving here taught me about friendships. Taught me about marriage. Taught me about failing. Taught me about motherhood. Taught me what I really want in life and not what I think I need. Taught me about leadership. Taught me I can do things on my own. Taught me about confidence. Taught me about falling down and getting back up. Taught me how to be humble, thankful, grateful and bless! Going back to Walla Walla, the moment I stepped off the plane in Pasco, I looked up and heard that voice, "This is home." I have been denying that FL wasn't home to us. I thought because my family is here, it was home. Like my mom said, home is where your heart is. My heart is in WA. I've faced my failures. I have come clean with them. I know what choices we made are done and over with. I know that life isn't and we can create new goals. That's the beautiful thing about life, you can fall down over and over but you also get back up and do it better! Hebrews 6:9-19
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I have a secret....
I am not perfect. My life is not perfect. My family is not perfect. My marriage is not perfect. My religion is not perfect. My house is not perfect. My diet is not perfect. I am FAR from perfect. I often hear from people. I wish I was more like you. If.they.only.knew. They tell me you are such an awesome mom. Again, if they only knew. I get told over and over again, I wish I had a marriage like your and your spouse. Again... Truth to be told, I struggle daily. I have struggled more in the last year. Not because of choices we have made but because I am changing. Life is changing. I yell at my kids more then I should. I don't get down and play like I used to. I don't crafts. I don't bake. I don't snuggle as much as I should with the older 2. I don't paint nails. I am not love mushy gushy on them like when they were babies. I do however, install tough love. I play taxi 7 days a week for them. I take them for Frozen Yogurt. I take them to the Beach. We spend time at Lego Land. I swim with them. I read with them. We dance together. We cry, pray, fight and hug it out. But we are not perfect. My marriage is not perfect. The last 6 years have been tough on our marriage. Losing jobs. Gaining new jobs. Moving from our home town to a whole new town. Moving again. New baby. Losing our home. Poor money managing. Fights. Poor communication. Disagreement about the kids. However, we laugh a lot. We go on dates. We go to church together. We raise our girls together. We cry, fight and figure it out as we go. However, we are not perfect. I am not perfect. I am hard on myself. I worry more then I should. I doubt myself. I fake happiness. I cry. I am addicted to sugar. I lie. I am a people pleaser. I have failed at MANY things. I don't manage money well. I can be difficult to be around. I don't complete what I start. I swear. I judge. I cheat. However, I am a lover. I strive for happiness. I make changes. I push. I shove. I am a true friend. I can keep secrets. I love my family. I love my friends. I would give my shirt off my back if asked. I love to encourage. I am a learner. I am honest when needed. I am fun. I love to laugh. But no where near perfect... Nobody is perfect. No Marriage is perfect. No Friendship is perfect. No Body is perfect. No Kid is perfect. No Home is perfect. No Family is perfect. No Church is perfect. That's what makes us perfect <3 |
AuthorHI! I am Lauren! A women full of beautiful mess. Join me as I share my mess and journey. Archives
July 2019
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