Last night I wrote this blog over and over. Then deleted it. Figured I should put in my journal instead, share later. Something about writing with pen and paper before bed and waking up knowing it's all said and done. Move on. I wasn't going to share because I didn't want it to look like I was feeling sorry for myself because really I wasn't. I was more shocked and surprise that people say the things they say, 35 years in I am still shock when someone has something to say about my hearing impairment (If that what we are calling it.). However, today. I had a rough monring (yet again) with my middle child. G. That's what we call her. Another morning, of counting to 30, another morning crying on the way to school (me not her), another morning, cring after drop off and another morning wondering what I can do to not have these types of mornings. However, this morning was different as I was standing in the door way, wondering is this how my parents felt in the morning or night with us, because of our differences? Did my mom feel this way? Did my dad cry? Is this how other mothers feel with a child that has special needs? See last night, someone asked me (this is where the shock comes in) how I could parent being that I am hearing impaired and suffer from a blindness condition? This is not the first time, I've heard this. I actually had a doctor while I was expecting H suggest I abort her so that my child didn't have to suffer from my disabilities (again, if that what you call it). (Needless to say we left the Dr office right there) or (in his words) pass it down to her. That it wasn't a life worth living for. So last night when I was asked this, it's like the wind being knocked out of you. Don't get me wrong. I had a good life. It may have been not always easy but then again who's life is easy. I am bless to have parents who treated us no different and made sure we didn't walk around thinking we were. Even when others don't always see that. Then this morning happen. My daughter. My sweet tender heart middle child. Life hasn't always been easy for her. She suffers from extreme anxiety and learning disabilities. Among some other things. We don't share her story often because we are just starting to unfold it. I look at her and wonder, are our days always going to be like this? Will she be asked the same questions I was ask? Have to push past some ugly things like I did? Will I have to fight like my parents did for us? How do I teach her to stand up and be strong, when I can barely do it myself these days. How do I give her the life, where she can later say 'I was bless to have a good life even tho it wasn't always easy because of my parents." After drop off, that women voice from last night echo in my head. I didn't have an answer last night (I just smiled and got interrupted by H) but this morning I wish I could go back and tell her: I am no different then you..
I am sure you look at yourself in the mirror wondering what you could change about yourself. Your looks Your body. I am sure you yell at your kids just like me. I am sure you cry with them when they are hurting. I am sure some days you are counting down the minute till bedtime. I am sure you've made PB & J sandwiches just because you didn't want to cook dinner. I am sure you secretly enjoy sick days because your child wants to do nothing but cuddle. Only different between you and I.... I understand my kid hurt and pain a little bit more because I am living it. I can turn my hearing aid off and block out the cries and yelling. I bump into things, step on my kids, bump their heads but they always forgive me and we laugh often about it. I can teach them how to have compassion for EVERYONE. To be EVERYONE friend. I can teach them what forgiveness looks like. I can teach my kids that we are not created equally and we are all unique. Love others, treat people with kindness despite their faults and differences. I can teach my girls despite our differences you can do ANYTHING you want to do NO MATTER what! That includes parenting....
0 Comments
|
AuthorHI! I am Lauren! A women full of beautiful mess. Join me as I share my mess and journey. Archives
July 2019
Categories |