It's been a while since I've written...I know. Life. It's been full of ups! Then Down!! However, since October. It's been dark. Super dark. I know, who would had thought with me? That I had been going thru such a dark time. The girl who seems to have it all together. Who's always on adventures. Who's always smiling. Laughing. Going places. Lets just say when I say dark, I meant DARK! Like down in a hole, no light, no sound, super cold, and past 6 feet under DARK... In October, everything caught up to me. D traveling. Living in OK with NO family or friends. No job. Just the girls and I. I had to get out of town I thought. "Let's go Camping!" (Was I crazy?!?! Taking 3 girls 3 hours away to camp? Alone?!?!) That trip was to be a fun time. Time spent with just us girls. No cell service. Enjoying the OK Fall. Making memories. FAIL My episodes started on that trip. Crying. Non-Stop Sleeping Angry. Shutting down. More Crying. Feeling Paralyze. Crippled. Chest Pains. Did I mention Crying. I knew what was happening. My PTSD was kicking in FULL time. Only this time, I was having Panic Attacks and Anxiety Attacks. Something I never really fully experience with my PTSD. There was a lot of yelling on this trip. Fighting. Tears. A few good laughs and some fun moments. However, it was awful. HELL! I needed to get back home. Only I don't know where home was. After that trip, I had 1 more week left in my Body Challenge I had entered. Lets just say that last week was hell. I would get up, get kids to school, go to boot camp, and come home and sleep for 5 hours. In between that I would spend time crying for no reason, trying to figure out how to eat 1200+ calories, get extra training in and to be able to function when kids came home. Final Weigh in came. I lost 3 pounds. 5% Body Fat. Really?!?! I cried. Hard. This challenge had sent me further into my struggle. I had failed myself. The challenge also had saved me. I had a reason to get up and get out of the house 7 days a week. Now that it was over... All I could do was pull the covers over my head. Sleep 8 am till 2 pm. Everyday. Maybe 1 or 2 times a week, I would get up at Noon and go somewhere. Maybe. Meanwhile....I had to put on a face. Be happy. Act like I had it all together. Only 3 or 4 people just knew how bad it was going. Those people are my saving grace. Along with my girls. In November, I called a doctor...finally. I needed to be back on my depression medicine. However, I couldn't get in till Feb. 2017. I even explain to the women on the phone how bad it was. Her response was, "Oh Geez, I am sorry! At least Christmas is coming soon!". (Thank God I was not getting ready to drive off a Bridge at this point) I did however find another doctor that could get me in but not till late December. Perfect! November, went by fast as D was home. I had a break. I could breathe. I had started a new job. However, I was slipping away from my family. Distance yourself was what I told myself. I didn't need them. People. I didn't need them either. I stop returning phone calls to friends. Stop replying to text messages. Since I really didn't have friends here it was super easy to not talk to anyone. I remember talking to my mom, thinking I was having a nervous breakdown. Again, I was able to play it off that I was fine. Folks just assumed I was super busy with kids and holidays coming up.... December....Parents are coming! Brother is coming! PARTY!!!! Little did I know. just how sick my dad was....
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AuthorHI! I am Lauren! A women full of beautiful mess. Join me as I share my mess and journey. Archives
July 2019
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