Dear Day 1, (7/23) 4:15 am snooze 4:30 am snooze 4:45 am snooze This goes on for every 15 mins till 5:45 am. Guess I am not going to the gym. Walk to bathroom. Pee. Brush Teeth. Do hair and makeup. Stepped on the scale... I am dreading you. I know the scale is about to tell me the truth and remind me that I ate my feelings yesterday at Breakfast. (Sunday's breakfast if we are being honest here; 2 Blueberry Pancakes, Biscuit and Gravy, 2 eggs, 2 bacon, 1 Sausage Patty, 1 country ham and hash-brown. What can I say?! I am a girl who likes to eat ;) Sadly, I was still hungry and took a bit of my youngest chicken tender and dipped it in ranch. Thankfully it was nasty and stopped me from going further.) Back to the scale... 207 pounds. It's ok. You've been heavier. You can do this and it doesn't define you. Work. Work. Work. Yes I like to blame me going back to work full time has helped me pack on the pounds. I work with ALL men. No females. (Pray for me) They like to eat. They don't care what they eat. I like to eat. Soo... Plus Men VS Women = fun times (eye rolling) more like stress. Yes, I am a stress eater. Celebration eater. Cry your eyes out eater. Today, I ate well. Didn't order out and said no to temptation...till I got home. B(Breakfast) Fresh Peach with 1/4c OatsS(Snack) Strawberry Greek Yogurt L(Lunch) Fresh Farm Tomatoes, Cucumber and small serving of Sunday's night dinner left over S:Herbalife Shake and Tea (I needed something sweet!) S:Turkey and Cheese lunch-able (working second job) D(Dinner) I had planned to make a veggie dish but got home late and this is were my temptation gave in. I had 2 pieces of pizza that was ordered for kids, their friends and Joe. BUT I stopped at 2 when I could had eaten the whole thing. Had a very small glass of wine with 10 Good and Plenty vs A whole bottle of wine and WHOLE box of Good and Plenty! Home. Don't you dare lay down and sleep or cry. Tonight, I will go outside and enjoy my youngest. And I sure did! We played basketball and 2 squared. We laughed. We competed against each other. We talked. It was a perfect way to end my day. (inside I really wanted to lay down and sleep as I am exhausted mentally. Joe was laid off his job about 5 weeks ago and still hasn't found a new job. I am struggling with living OK still. I am struggling with fitting in. I miss having friends and since I don't go to Cross-fit anymore I have lost the only friends I knew I had. I know I may have pushed them away back when I was dealing with some pretty dark stuff. I take blame for that. I also struggle with the fact that I lost them because I didn't mean to push anyone away. (hurt people hurt people often play over and over in my head. But can't really use that as an excuse) Or maybe I didn't and they weren't really my friends. I struggle daily with this. I miss having just one friend that I can run to, laugh with and sit down with a cup of coffee. Mostly I miss laughing. I am grateful for Joe and his friendship but lets be honest; hes a man. He can only listen for so long and doesn't really "get": it. Like he wants to listen to me bitch about PMS, my girls PMSing, or about other men (the ones I work with). I struggle with parenting. I struggle with guilt. I struggle if I am doing good enough ob or enough at home, work and as a girlfriend. Lastly, I struggle with coping with my everyday challenges - seeing and hearing. However today really wasn't bad. I reached out to have dinner with a friend I haven't seen in a while, I spent time playing and listening to my daughters and I went to bed with a less heavy heart. Plus I didn't drink the whole bottle of wine. So I guess today I won. Didn't let my emotions get the best of me) Love, Beautiful Mess xo
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorHI! I am Lauren! A women full of beautiful mess. Join me as I share my mess and journey. Archives
July 2019
Categories |