Day 3 I am down another pound. A total of 4 pounds in 3 days. Granted I am sure it's water weight because that's what we women do; say it's water weight. Today, I thought I talk about something a little bit more personal and raw. *Disclaimer: At times I will talk about my past marriage/divorce/struggles. Nothing I say here is nothing that my ex husband doesn't know or hasn't heard. Rather he agrees with it or not but he knows I am open and real. I am not out to hurt or make him look bad either.*** I was married for 15 years. We didn't celebrate our 15th year though as we were in the middle of the divorce at that time. We were together for 20 years. Something I don't take lightly. Something I am still struggling with. I don't know why I let numbers or years define my life. Maybe it's because it's how we American celebrate milestones, goals, or accomplishments?? The last 5 years of my marriage was spent in the dark. Alone. To be honest it was spent me in survival mode. My ex and I TOGETHER made a decision for him to go back in the Wind Industry after we made some life choices to leave WA and move to FL. We had made plans for it to be temporary. However, we know that life never goes as plan. He would be gone for months and weeks at a time. After a year of that we deiced to do #roadlife which you can go back and read on. What most don't know our marriage was already at it's dead end. We barely talked to each other. We barely could be in the same room together. We lived very separate lives. My ex husband stop looking at me like a wife years ago. He stop taking me out on dates. He stop making me laugh. I stop trying. I could leave for days and nights at a time and he didn't call, text or even care if I was home. He would often say "It's better without you here anyways." He didn't support my 1st Full Marathon. He didn't come to watch. He didn't call to see how I did. He didn't notice how proud and sore I was when we got back home 4 days later. Granted he stayed back to work a job at a Pizza joint since he was laid off work (which I am forever grateful that he put his pride aside for our family) and we were going to be gone for 4 days at Disney but he could had taken the day off to watch me run. I spent days crying about this. Never once did he notice that either. There is more to this story but this is just one and the 1st moment I come to realize; this isn't a marriage. However I kept pressing on...for the kids I told myself. In reality it was because I was ashamed and again those numbers were important. We were almost at 11 years of marriage I would keep thinking. Keep pushing I would say. Then I finally a year ago today signed the papers to start the process. One year ago today I sat across my lawyer and coming up with an Emergency Exit Plan because it not only took me 3 years to finally talk myself into this I was scared for my children safety and mine. I knew my ex would react with Rage, Emotional Abuse and Mental Abuse thoughts. And he did... That moment in time; the world stopped, my heart broke and I come to realize that my ex honestly had no clue how bad of a place our marriage was in and just how broken I was... Since that day a year ago, I let myself live in a Fog with guilt, shame, fear, anger, and sadness. Which lead me to self destruct myself. Lead me to working out daily to burning myself out to a very deep depression... Lead me to barely being able to parent my girls. To hating myself. Which then caused me to pretty much hate everyone around me and lose those who did care about me.. Which has lead me back to this journey. Not only is this a journey of getting healthy again but healing, finding strength forgiveness and courage. "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." ~ Isaiah 41:10
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AuthorHI! I am Lauren! A women full of beautiful mess. Join me as I share my mess and journey. Archives
July 2019
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